Not Sure What To Do 12/26/13

  So, I've been debating showing my mom this blog. I mean, it would make things easier if she knew all this. But, I also don't know how she would react to it all. To me sharing all of this personal stuff with people. To me not actually telling her about all of this stuff in my life. She doesn't know about me and the senior Michael. Or about how i feel like talking, or writing about what happened when I was younger. I'm just unsure of what to do about this.

sorry i just needed to get that out.


~Invisible Girl

*Warning* Very Depressing but True story ahead!! 12/26/13

  As many of you know from my previous post's, I was physically abused as a child. Well, recently I have been having dreams about it. That hasn't happened since last year. I have no idea why it is starting again. Now, theres one thing that I haven't told anyone. Last year, I attempted suicide because of this. If it wasn't for my mom getting off early, I would be dead. I hope I don't get pushed to that point again. If I do. Well, Then it's over I guess. But, I can't help but want that feeling. The numbness. No pain. No pleasure. Just numb. I used to crave that feeling. Sometimes, I still do. It's the feeling I get when I cut myself. I feel the pain. The pain I know I deserve to feel. Once it's gone, the numb sets in. It's overpowering and horrible. But I feel that I deserve it.


                           ...Maybe I do.



~Invisible Girl

F You- Cee Lo Green 12/26/13

  I love Meghan. She's my best friend. But seriously, sometimes I wanna kick her in the face. Like, I'm over at her house and this is the second time she has left me by myself in her room to go fuck with her boyfriend. Would you not be pissed off too? I'm pissed the fuck off right now. And you can tell because I usually don't swear. I'm so fucking done with her and her shit. If I knew he was going to be here, I wouldn't have come. I would have fucking stayed home. Again, please excuse my french. It's just, obviously she doesn't care enough about me to actually hang out with me when I'm here. I swear she's just using me as an excuse for her mom to leave her alone. When I'm here, her mom goes to bed earlier and that just means that Meghan can go spend the whole fucking night with Chase. I'm seriously done. What would you do? And Chase had the nerve to call me a 'cock block'. Wow. Fuck you. I'm done. I give up.

  One second, I want to just ignore it and move the fuck on. The next, I want to walk in the room, text my mom and have her come get me, and be done. And I would, if she wasn't my best friend. Maybe I should just let her mom know whats going on. I wonder how she would feel about that. I mean, Meghan is so caught up in her own shit that she cant pull her head out of her ass long enough to know that she's losing the people who she 'cares' about the most. She's so conceded and I honestly don't know how she got this way. Neither one of her brothers are that way and her mom is one of the sweetest ladies I know. So, I don't know when it clicked in her head that treating people this way is ok. Because its fucking not. You can't treat people like this and expect them to treat you like you're a fucking princess. For the rest of the night she's getting the fucking cold shoulder. I fucking give up. I'm done with her and her shit. Fuck you too Meghan.

*again i would like to apologize for my language. I'm just really pissed off.*

~Invisible Girl

Rock and Roll~Avril Lavigne 12/25/13

  So, it will be a new year soon and I think it's about time for me to re-invent myself. Now, I'm pulling out the black eyeliner, red lipstick, and combat boots. It's time for a change. It's time; for a new me. I'm done always being the good girl I'm always expected o be. It's time for me to become my edgy rock and roll self. The girl I was always to scared to be. The girl no one knows I really want to be. It's time to be me.

~Invisible Girl


P.S (if you celebrate) MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! <3

Writers block!!! 12/22/13

  So, I have writers block. I can't seem to find inspiration. Could it be I'm losing my feel for writing? Or that I never had it. I mean, writing used to be something I loved to do. But now, it feels like more of a job than anything else. I mean, I know its not. But as more and more people read my stuff, the more I want to keep writing. Even though sometimes I feel like I annoy you guys with my sappy stories about a guy or my friends. So yea, I know you guys can't tell but I'm kind of rambling since I don't know what to actually write about. Maybe leave a comment giving me a topic or two? It's not like I actually have a life so I'll end up reading and writing all of them.

  Writing isn't actually my job. I'm hoping that if I keep this up long enough, that eventually, it will be. Kind of like you-tubers get paid to make two videos a week sometimes 3. Something like that. Hopefully it will. I really like writing.

  Until you guys start sending me topics/things to write about, I'm just going to look up some topics on the internet and hope I find something interesting. If not? Oh well.

heres some ways you can reach/contact me:
KIK: @Pretty_Gurl_Swaggy
FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/mackenzie313
TWITTER: @Kay4619
EMAIL: sandlinmackenzie@yahoo.com

SEND THEM IN!
~Invisible Girl

My Poem..? 12/21/13

  So, I've been going through a lot of feelings since Dalton passed. And I've recently written a poem expressing how I feel.

  Living in grief isn't easy to  cope.

  Lost in my sorrow; losing all kinds of hope.

  Trying to maintain my so called happy smile.

  It's hard when you haven't slept in awhile. 

  I can not explain exactly how I feel,

  The pain is so unbearable; and all so real.

  I'm not ready to describe a pain like this,

  Best believe, it's something you can't dismiss.

It's easier said to overcome the grief,

but when you go through it, You'll know it's not brief.

Living in torment and pretending for so long.

Trying to maintain yourself to stay strong.

It isn't easy to do when you're falling apart.

It feels like I'm losing it with this broken heart.

I pray everyday for strength and peace,

it will take some time for my pain to cease.

As I wipe my tears from my eyes everyday,

I'll regain my strength ad start a new day. 

So, yea. That's my poem for Dalton. I love you. <3

~Invisible Girl

The Great Meltdown 12/20/13

  Today is hard. I went to school thinking, hoping I could handle it. It was a bad idea. I should have stayed home. I seem to be the only one here that still cares. I haven't been able to smile since I walked through the doors. At lunch I had a total breakdown. Today during lunch, like every other day, I go to Mr. B's classroom and hang out there until 4th period. Well, today I walked into the room and this girl Kenna would not stop talking about Dalton. She was on his memorial websites. It drove me over the edge. I ran out of the room and collapsed on the ground crying. I don't know how people deal with things like this. I have never gone through anything like this, the closest thing to this was when Bruce died.
 
  Well, I feel like I'm repeating myself from earliers post. Bye guys.

RIP DALTON THOMAS COXWELL 12/18/13 <3

~Invisible Girl

R.I.P Dalton Coxwell I love you to the moon and back. 12/20/13

  If you read my last post, then you know about my friend Dalton's suicide. Its been very hard coping with this. Last night, I slept in my mom's room with her. I ended up crying myself to sleep because I miss him so much. Same thing started to happen tonight. I turned of the T.V., my bedside lamp, and my cell phone. I shut my laptop and shut my door. And I broke down. I have been laying here crying for what seems like a lifetime. I can't help but feel helpless. I feel like theres something I could have done. Some way I could have helped him and kept him from doing this to himself. All I have is "What if.." and "If only.." scenarios running through my mind. The scariest part; I had the thought of suicide run through my mind a few times. But then I would think to myself, "think about how you feel after losing Dalton. Do you really want your friends and family to feel this way too?" And I would immediately shake the thought out of my head. I have lost family members before. My great-grandmother, GG (on my moms side), my "step" grandfather, Grumpy (on my moms side) (although, I was too young when he died to remember him well), and my great-grandfather, Grandad (on my dads side). But I didn't react this way to any of their passings. Is that wrong of me? Does that make me a bad person? It's not that I loved them or cared about them less than Dalton. I think it's the fact that I knew Dalton better than I knew them. I haven't cried this much over a death since September; when we had to take Bruce (my puppy) to be put down. But thats understandable. I mean, Bruce was my best friend. 

  But, dealing with Dalton leaving has been extremely difficult. I try to smile through my tears at what an amazing person and friend he was. But sometimes, you just need to cry. And it's not a bad thing. It lets your feelings out.

  Daltons' family is holding a memorial service at his school tonight (may i say its currently 1:24 am and i need to be to school in 5 1/2 hours). So, I'm hoping that it will help bring me some closure. Also, on Saturday, they are having a 'viewing'. For those of you who don't know what that is; it's kind of like a funeral but they do not bury the body yet, and it is not as private. It's basically where the family members have a service where friends, or just simply people who would like to pay respects to the family come. But, I really do hope that these events help me, and many others, get the closure we so desperately need.

Rest In Paradise Dalton. I love and miss you terribly. Try not to drive everyone up there as crazy as you used to drive me. :) I'll see you someday love. <3 

  Love,

      Your 'Little Mermaid' <3

12/18/13 Always In Our Hearts. Never Forgotten. Dalton Coxwell.

~Invisible Girl

Who You'd Be Today- Kenny Chesney 12/18/13

  Today, I lost someone very close to me. Dalton Coxwell. He was a good friend of mine, and I miss him so much. He hung himself today at around 7 pm. I can't stop crying. This is all too unreal. It's just the images running through my mind are so heartbreaking. I just wish I was there so I can run to him and tell him that his life is so worth living. So many people loved him. Wishing I could have stopped him. Wishing I could have been there for him. Wishing he was still here because people love him. Tomorrow and Friday are going to be really hard. Going to school and not seeing his gentle smile. Or getting one of his big warm hugs that make me feel so safe. Not watching him at football practice. Not having him throw french fries at me during lunch. And most of all, not hearing his laugh, or just his voice ever again. I miss you so much Dalton. You have no idea. </3

Forever In My Heart~ Dalton Coxwell~ July 27, 1998- December 18, 2013. I love you.


~Invisible Girl

Brick By Boring Brick- Paramore 12/17/13

  The past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out who I am. It all started when the guy I like asked me what he should call me (because I have so many nick-names). And, I had no idea what to tell him. I mean, I don't mind being called Mackenzie, but I guess it was too long. I don't want him to call me Kenzie because thats what my family calls me. And since he met me he thought my name was Kat. Until I told him it was just a nickname that my idiot friends came up with. So, I started to think about who I am. Am I Kenzie, the sweet little girl my family thinks I am? Am I Kat, this 'airhead' preppy red-head that my friends know? Or am I Mackenzie, just a regular teenage girl that doesn't really stand out? I should know right? Wrong. I have no clue who I am or what I'm going to do with my life. I wish I did though. Maybe then everything would be easier. Life, friends, family. Everything. Heres what I think. I think I've turned too much into the girl everyone wants or expects me to be and I haven't really focused on what I want. I've been living the life that everyone else has laid out for me. I've been living someone elses life. Living in a fairytale.. that isn't mine. And I can't continue to make everyone else happy if it means me not being happy. 'Cause obviously that isn't an option anymore. More to come.


She lives in a fairytale, somewhere too far for us to find. Forgotten the taste and smell of the world she's left behind...

~Ivnisible Girl

The Main- Listen To Your Heart 12/11/13

  So, I haven't written in a while. But lately I've been thinking a lot about the people I have in my life. And, I feel like I'm losing the people that I care about the most. Alex, Meg, Destiny, even Michael. And I don't like the way this feels. Maybe I should keep my priorities in check. I mean, I love them all so much. But, I don't want to lose track of whats important in my life. I love my friends. They Mean the world to me. They get me through the roughest points in life. And I tend to have a lot of rough points. But, it took my 'best friend' two days to realize that I wasn't in school. And now I'm at her house. As soon as her boyfriend walked into the house, she left me, and is not hanging out with me, but him instead. Michael, well we haven't been keeping in touch like we were. We used to talk everyday. Now I'm lucky if I get a text a week. Alex, well she's not as bad. We still talk daily. But things just aren't the same anymore. Not since the big fight. It hurts knowing that I'm losing them. They say I'm not. but i know i am. One way or another.


-Invisible Girl

Journal 9/24/13

Yesterday I promised I would do an "All About Me" type of thing. So, i guess this is it.Here are some random facts about me. 

  My name is Mackenzie. I'm going to be 15 on October 21st 2013. I like to be called Katt. My favorite thing about school is my friends (shocker right?). During my free time I like to draw, listen to music, and sing (sometimes all at the same time cx). My best friends are Meghan Tindell, Kendall Murphy, Cheyenne Helt, and Alexzondra Teach. My parents' names are Hallie and Frank. I have four brothers and a sister. The youngest of us is Layne. Then theres Tyler, Me, Graham (John), Stephen JR. and Courtney. Courtney has a husband and a daughter, Cameron and Lilly. My favorite colors are Black and dark purple.  My favorite food is tacos. Im currently saving up for Warped Tour 2014. My favorite bands are Black Veil Brides, Sleeping with Sirens, Paramore, Bring me the Horizon, A Day to Remember, and many more. My favorite movie is Jane Eyre, Frankenstein, and Finding Nemo. My greatest inspiration is Mitch Lucker. I would like to be like Hayley Williams because she is an amazing singer, an outgoing person, and she is so pretty. I love my kitty Bear, my friends, and my family. I don't believe in myself as much as I should. I an happy when I listen to music. I feel comfortable in crowds of people like me. I need to learn how to be more confident in myself. I think that people shouldn't judge people on how they look (dress). Or by what music they listen to. My dream is to be a professional singer. It's important to have a dream and follow it. I am in love with Jacob Daugherty because he makes me smile. He's funny, sweet, cute and knows how to make me feel like a princess. I am grieving about my puppy Bruce dieing. 

Now on a more serious topic. Jake might go to jail. I guess he got in an argument with his mom and  his grandpa called the cops. If he goes, I don't know what I'll do. I can't lose him again. I over him so much I don't know what to do. I wish I could help him. 

more to come

~Katt 9/24/13

SOMETHING NEWW!!! 12/3/13

  Ok,  so what I'm about to do is going to change my blog a little bit. I have this journal that i have been writing in since September. And in case anything were to happen to it, I want to know that my entries are safe. And, I feel that the safest place, is here. So, here goes nothing.

  Dear journal,                           9/23/13

  So, uhm, Hi! Its been a while since I've had a journal to write in. A lot has changed since I last had one. Bruce died. I started high school and I'm dating Jacob Daugherty again. :)

  Bruce had a tumor in his shoulder. He was in a lot of pain so we decided it was time to put him down. But his ashes are here with me, also, his blanket and collar. 

  So high school; so far; has been fun. This week is homecoming. So, today was Pajama Day. Tomorrow is (Wacky) Tacky Tuesday followed by Sports Day Wednesday, Throwback Thursday, and Friday is Spirit Day. So it's pretty cool. 

  Now for the Jacob subject. :) We've been talking a lot lately and he asked me out. :) He makes me so happy. I think I'm in love with him. He could be 'The One.' I love him so much and I know he loves me. :) Now all I have to do is get my mom to like him. She will though, I mean, who wouldn't? Haha. But he really does make me happy. And I love him so much. He's amazing and perfect. Yes, he has a rough past, but that doesn't matter to me. I want, no, I need him in my future. He's the one I want, need, must have. I would die without him by my side. I wish more people could see that. Oh well.

  Welp, Time for bed. Night :) 

   ~Mackenzie  9/23/13

Ok so this is the first entry of 9. For the shorter ones, I'll do 2/3 per page on here. So, yea. More later.

~Invisible Girl