If you read my last post, then you know about my friend Dalton's suicide. Its been very hard coping with this. Last night, I slept in my mom's room with her. I ended up crying myself to sleep because I miss him so much. Same thing started to happen tonight. I turned of the T.V., my bedside lamp, and my cell phone. I shut my laptop and shut my door. And I broke down. I have been laying here crying for what seems like a lifetime. I can't help but feel helpless. I feel like theres something I could have done. Some way I could have helped him and kept him from doing this to himself. All I have is "What if.." and "If only.." scenarios running through my mind. The scariest part; I had the thought of suicide run through my mind a few times. But then I would think to myself, "
think about how you feel after losing Dalton. Do you really want your friends and family to feel this way too?" And I would immediately shake the thought out of my head. I have lost family members before. My great-grandmother, GG (on my moms side), my "step" grandfather, Grumpy (on my moms side) (although, I was too young when he died to remember him well), and my great-grandfather, Grandad (on my dads side). But I didn't react this way to any of their passings. Is that
wrong of me? Does that make me a
bad person? It's not that I loved them or cared about them less than Dalton. I think it's the fact that I knew Dalton better than I knew them. I haven't cried this much over a death since September; when we had to take Bruce (my puppy) to be put down. But thats understandable. I mean, Bruce was my best friend.
But, dealing with Dalton leaving has been extremely difficult. I try to smile through my tears at what an amazing person and friend he was. But sometimes, you just need to cry. And it's not a bad thing. It lets your feelings out.
Daltons' family is holding a memorial service at his school tonight (may i say its currently 1:24 am and i need to be to school in 5 1/2 hours). So, I'm hoping that it will help bring me some closure. Also, on Saturday, they are having a 'viewing'. For those of you who don't know what that is; it's kind of like a funeral but they do not bury the body yet, and it is not as private. It's basically where the family members have a service where friends, or just simply people who would like to pay respects to the family come. But, I really do hope that these events help me, and many others, get the closure we so desperately need.
Rest In Paradise Dalton. I love and miss you terribly. Try not to drive everyone up there as crazy as you used to drive me. :) I'll see you someday love. <3
Love,
Your 'Little Mermaid' <3
12/18/13 Always In Our Hearts. Never Forgotten. Dalton Coxwell.
~Invisible Girl
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