Hate To See Your Heart Break~Paramore 11/24/13

  So, I'm not going to see Michael after all. My mom thinks that I'm too young to fly by myself to California, all the way across the country. It hurts knowing that I won't get to see him. But I know that he'll wait for me. The only thing that scares me.. I think I love him. I'm not sure I want too. At least, not yet. I'm still trying to figure out how he feels about me. He's not the type of guy to tell people exactly how he feels. But, I still wish he would. I just want to see him. I miss him, you know? Ugh. Oh well.
  So anyway. Um... Yeah. I've had a rough time with my reading lately. I used to be really bad at reading as a kid. But I get better. Now its getting worse again. My teacher last year thought I might have dyslexia. So, she kept me after class one day and had me to some reading tests to see how well my brain comprehended the words that I was reading. Or see if I could actually read the words she put in front of me. She noticed that I mixed up letters like B and D, also M and W. So, she thinks I have dyslexia. It wouldn't surprise me. I don't know. Maybe I don't. Maybe my brain is just a little slower. Nothing wrong with that right? Right.

Thats all for now <3

~Invisible Girl

Scars~ Miley Cyrus 11/21/13

  So, I was a little apprehensive about wanting to write this entry. Basically, everything in my life is really good right now, and I didn't want to write something like this, and everything come crumbling down. But, I like sharing things with you guys. I feel happy seeing that someone has read what I wrote. Even if you don't comment. :) But yes,  for once in my life, everything is almost/close to perfect. I got Alex is my friend again, Michael and I treat each other like we're dating and that makes me really happy. My friends are great. My life is great. I'm actually happy. And thats good right?
   Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't be happy. It seems like every time that I am, something, or someone, comes along and has to ruin it. Like, sometimes people say things about me, that AREN'T true. Typical rumors right? It's a part of growing up though. Dealing with 'Haters.' Sometimes we just have to turn the other cheek. But, when your friends believe what is being said about you. Thats rough. That makes it difficult for things to be ok, and your you to be happy. When it feels like there is no one there for you when you need someone the most. But eventually, things will work themselves out. I guess what I've been trying to say, is, be happy for now. While you still can. Because, as much as I hate to admit it, it goes away. Nothing lasts forever. No matter how much you try to keep it around, it goes away.
  Lets talk about something else now. How many of you believe in love at first sight? I do. I think that me and the guy I'm kind of with belong together. We are SOO much alike its not even funny. But the sad part, I'm scared to even think for a second, that i might love him. I feel like if I say it; or think it; it might happen. And one way or another, I'll end up hurt. But what if I do? Love him, that is. I don't even know anymore. Maybe I should just give up. Thats what I feel like doing anyway.

I'm not too sure about what happened today. In school I was happy. Smiling. Laughing. But as soon as I got home, I didn't want to do anything but cry. Like, what was that? I still feel like that. Thats why the end of ^^ that was all like, sad, and down. Ugh. Maybe I'm depressed. That seems to be what everyone thinks. My friends know when I'm faking a smile, when I'm on the verge of crying. They. Just. Know. I don't understand it. Maybe thats a good thing.

more to come.

~Invisible Girl

Lightweight- Demi Lovato 11/19/13

  So, I know I didn't post anything yesterday. Hopefully I can make up for it. I was thinking of maybe posting two today. OK.
  I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my last post, but the guy I like, Michael, now lives in California (as of saturday). We've been texting nonstop for the past week or so. I like him a lot more than I should. But, he's always saying the sweetest things to me. Like yesterday, he was out on the Palm Springs Strip looking for a job. So, I asked him how it went. He said "It was good, I gotta sign so much stuff though!!! But it's woth it cus in the outcome imma be seeing you (:" He's always saying stuff like that too me. Or calling me 'babe' or 'baby' and it makes me happy. He makes me happy. Today I was so; bubbly. Like, I was hugging everyone and laughing at everything and just in a genuinely happy mood. It was great. Even my friends noticed that its been a while since anyone's seen me this way. Michael is so perfect though. He makes me laugh. He has an amazing smile. He has  eyes that I get lost in. He's just... perfect. Thats partially the reason why I chose Lightweight to listen to. This song explains PERFECTLY how I feel towards/about him.When he kissed me for the first time that night, i felt something... click. Like it was meant to happen. I've kissed a lot of guys. And this one was... different. It felt right. <3 Well, I think I've bored you all enough with my mushy guy story <3. Moving on now.
  Im not sure if I ever told you guys about my best friends. I have like, 4.  Meghan is definitely by BEST friend. Like, it's at the point where I don't even call her my best friend. She's my sister. Along with her, I have Destiny, and Alexzondra(aka Ali or Alex). Destiny is one of my close friends. We sit together at lunch (Meghan also) and she's in my 4th period. Alex and I have had a few ups and downs in the last few weeks because of Michael. We both like him, he likes me. Blah Blah Blah. Oh well. We've moved past it and were friends again. She's also like a sister to me. I love my friends. Without them I don't know where I would be.

Well I've been writing this for a few hours.. so I think it's time for me to go. Bye loves <3

~Invisible Girl

Hurt- Christina Aguilera 11/17/13

  So theres one thing that I need to share with you guys. A lot of people don't know this about me, and the few people that do, have figured it out on their own. I struggle with depression. I have for a while now. It's different for most people. Basically, I have problems getting excited or happy about things. I laugh really easily because it seems easier than crying. I mean, I love my family and my friends. But I have a hard time showing it. Except to one special person.
  People say that when you truly love someone or something, when you say it, something clicks in your mind. I feel that way about a certain person. And that scares the hell out of me. I a have felt that way once before about my dog. I don't like getting close to people or pets, because sooner or later, they leave. Without any intention on coming back. On September 9th 2013 I lost one of the most important things in my life. My puppy Bruce. That dog was my pride and joy. I love him with all my heart. Not a day goes by that i don't think about him, or think that i hear him. He was the one i told EVERYTHING too. Everyday when i came home from school, I would be crying from the bullying I went through/am still going through. Bruce would be right there, standing at the door waiting to comfort me. He would give me a kiss and follow me to my room. I would throw my stuff on the floor and clear off the bed, signaling him to jump onto it. And he would. We would just lay there, all night. I miss him with all my heart. I sleep with his blanket every night as my way of staying close to him. No one in my family is allowed to mess with it EVER. I wash it myself, fold it, and if needed, move it. I just wish there was something I could do to bring him back. Or something I could have done to stop the tumor before it spread. Yes. Bruce had a cancerous tumor in his shoulder. It made it to the point that he couldn't walk, wouldn't eat or drink, and as result, pee'd all over himself. It was painful to watch. So, after him not being able to move or eat for 4 days, my mom and I decided it was time to let him go. We took him to the vet that friday after school and had him put down and cremated. After that, I have had ALOT of trouble getting close or attached to people. Except one.
  Theres a senior at my school like I like SO much. We've been hanging out a lot the last few weeks, and my friends think we look great together as a couple. We started by just meeting up at McDonalds that is in the Target plaza next door to the High School. Then, since he lives so close, he would come over to my place. At first, I decided not to get involved with him. I figured it was for the best. That was, until he kissed me. The kiss was perfect. He was perfect. He has perfect black hair. Sparkling eyes. A smile that takes my breath away. And when he kisses me? I feel something amazing. Like Its just me and him in the world. Time stops. Everything freezes. Except us.

   Maybe I'm just crazy. Or maybe I love him. Then again; maybe loving him makes me crazy.

~Invisible Girl

Warrior ~Demi Lovato 11/15/13

  So, my first entry was kind of a bummer, right? Well, Iv'e decided to tell you guys a story. Of being broken and bruised. I've never told anyone about this. So, bare with me?
  When I was about four, my mom got married. Yeah, he was nice at first, but they all are right? Well, he didn't end up that way. He said he loved me, and stuff that step-dads are supposed to say to their kids. But every little thing I did wrong I got punished for. It usually started with your typical 'spanking.' but, it led to more than that, at first it was just a smack on the mouth or butt with the hand; then it became the belt and the wooden spoons. Everyday, for four years. I stood in the corner holding Harry Potter books in my hands with my arms out straight, for hours on end. I ate nothing but Oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My life before him was perfect. Just me, my mom, my little brother, and his dad. Then when my mom got a divorce, he came into my life. I guess the only good part, it made me and my brothers' dad closer, because as far as I'm concerned, he is my daddy. He always will be.   Now, the guy iv'e been talking about, his name is Jason. Recently he came over to my house with my mom and she said that he sat on the back porch crying about how he treated me. She said he wanted to sit down with me one day and apologize for everything. But all I could think way, "What could he have to cry about? He's not the one who was treated like trash for four years straight. He had NO right to do those things to me." Reading over that; I feel selfish, conceded, and like a total jerk. But why should I? I mean what I said; well; thought. Maybe I should give him a chance? Maybe I should hear him out. But what I really cant believe, is that I'm actually talking about this. Ive never told ANYONE this story. Not even my best friend in the entire world knows this. And, I guess the reason for that is I just don't want her to see me as a 'charity case.' I don't want her too see me like that. I don't want her too look at me differently. I don't know. A part of me just wants to crawl in a hole and cry. But another part wants to go see Jason and say, "you can save you apologies you're nothing but a liar." Im not sure anymore at this point. I just wish i knew what I did so wrong to him, to make him hate me the way he did. He treated my little brother Tyler like he was the perfect angel and he did the same thing to his son Caleb. Maybe he was just that way with Tyler because he was afraid of daddy. I don't know. Thats just my theory. I just want to know what I did to deserve that.
  People say, "they sing(act, treat people..) like that because they didn't have it easy." Maybe thats why I am the way I am. Why I keep people at a distance. Why I don't like getting to close or attached to things, people. Why I use music as my way out of the world. And now, maybe even writing. I've never really kept a journal, or a diary, for more than a few months. But I like this, because it seems more.. intimate? Like I know if someone has read my story. If they have anything to say, they can just say it. Like I can say exactly what I'm thinking any maybe i wont be judged. And if I am, so be it. I had a lot of help with writing from my 7th grade 'Creative Writing' teacher Mr. Kuhn. He actually has a side-job writing articles for Yahoo. Maybe if I can keep something like this going I can get better and maybe start something like that too. Im not sure though. That would mean someone would actually have to read half the crap I post.
  I know this was really long, and if you've gotten through to this point, thank you. And i mean that with all sincerity. Not all my posts will be this way, unless thats what you guys want. But its nice to at least know that your there, reading this.

Until next time. :)

~Invisible Girl

Fit For A Queen~ Modern Day Escape 11/15/13

  Does anyone here actually feel worth it? Do you feel like you could die tomorrow and no one would care? Or even notice? I feel like this everyday in this nothingness hell hole I call 'my life.' Im not the type of girl to talk about my feelings with people or to stand out in the crowd. Or even speak up in class. But something changed in me. Im not sure if it changed for the better or for worse. I'm not that shy girl I was in Middle School. I stand out with my red hair and combat boots. Some people call me 'emo' or 'scene' sometimes even 'goth.' But, I wouldn't put myself under a classification. I'm me, and thats all I need. I'm a freshman in High School at FPCHS. I have a 'thing' going on with a senior. More about that later. Sometimes I feel like everything I do goes unnoticed and no one seems to care about anything that even has to do with me. My 'real dad' didn't want me. My mom ignores me. My brother hate me. Theres no one I can ever turn too. Thats why I started this blog thing, I need a way to have people hear me even tho they may not want to. I need to know that someone cares. That someone is here if i need them. I just need.. a voice.


~Invisible Girl`

p.s. All of the titles are going to be whatever song I'm listening to while doing these posts.