So, my first entry was kind of a bummer, right? Well, Iv'e decided to tell you guys a story. Of being broken and bruised. I've never told anyone about this. So, bare with me?
When I was about four, my mom got married. Yeah, he was nice at first, but they all are right? Well, he didn't end up that way. He said he loved me, and stuff that step-dads are supposed to say to their kids. But every little thing I did wrong I got punished for. It usually started with your typical 'spanking.' but, it led to more than that, at first it was just a smack on the mouth or butt with the hand; then it became the belt and the wooden spoons. Everyday, for four years. I stood in the corner holding Harry Potter books in my hands with my arms out straight, for hours on end. I ate nothing but Oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My life before him was perfect. Just me, my mom, my little brother, and his dad. Then when my mom got a divorce, he came into my life. I guess the only good part, it made me and my brothers' dad closer, because as far as I'm concerned, he is my daddy. He always will be. Now, the guy iv'e been talking about, his name is Jason. Recently he came over to my house with my mom and she said that he sat on the back porch crying about how he treated me. She said he wanted to sit down with me one day and apologize for everything. But all I could think way, "What could he have to cry about? He's not the one who was treated like trash for four years straight. He had NO right to do those things to me." Reading over that; I feel selfish, conceded, and like a total jerk. But why should I? I mean what I said; well; thought. Maybe I should give him a chance? Maybe I should hear him out. But what I really cant believe, is that I'm actually talking about this. Ive never told ANYONE this story. Not even my best friend in the entire world knows this. And, I guess the reason for that is I just don't want her to see me as a 'charity case.' I don't want her too see me like that. I don't want her too look at me differently. I don't know. A part of me just wants to crawl in a hole and cry. But another part wants to go see Jason and say, "you can save you apologies you're nothing but a liar." Im not sure anymore at this point. I just wish i knew what I did so wrong to him, to make him hate me the way he did. He treated my little brother Tyler like he was the perfect angel and he did the same thing to his son Caleb. Maybe he was just that way with Tyler because he was afraid of daddy. I don't know. Thats just my theory. I just want to know what I did to deserve that.
People say, "they sing(act, treat people..) like that because they didn't have it easy." Maybe thats why I am the way I am. Why I keep people at a distance. Why I don't like getting to close or attached to things, people. Why I use music as my way out of the world. And now, maybe even writing. I've never really kept a journal, or a diary, for more than a few months. But I like this, because it seems more.. intimate? Like I know if someone has read my story. If they have anything to say, they can just say it. Like I can say exactly what I'm thinking any maybe i wont be judged. And if I am, so be it. I had a lot of help with writing from my 7th grade 'Creative Writing' teacher Mr. Kuhn. He actually has a side-job writing articles for Yahoo. Maybe if I can keep something like this going I can get better and maybe start something like that too. Im not sure though. That would mean someone would actually have to read half the crap I post.
I know this was really long, and if you've gotten through to this point, thank you. And i mean that with all sincerity. Not all my posts will be this way, unless thats what you guys want. But its nice to at least know that your there, reading this.
Until next time. :)
~Invisible Girl
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